St. Francis Statue in the Peace Garden at St. Joseph’s Medical Center

20190331 Rehab Week 2

Dear Beloved in God,

God has lined up quite a time for me. Just in case you didn’t think a hemorrhagic stroke was enough, He decided to give me gastrointestinal problems and I became extremely dehydrated, I could not eat, which has affected my energy level and ability to think clearly. All of that is on the mend now.

All of these challenges have drawn my mind back to God more urgently relying upon His strength, submitting to His will in this as in all things.

Thank you for your prayers, cards, and emails and those that have supported me at this time. Carla stands foremost in that legion along with Jerry and Lois and Rick and Judy who have been a great support to Carla trying to manage so many things at once.

In 1933 Master wrote meditation for March 31st, “I will contact God constantly through the peace of all hearts. I will behold Him on the Altar of My Silence. I will merge in the Eternal One through the Bliss of Meditation.” It is through His Omniscience that I feel you living your lives, taking sure and courageous steps towards God-realization. Surely, we are all in His hands, each and every moment of the day.

The consequence of what God has given me has made me focus on one day at a time, one moment at a time, one victory at a time. That is all that we have or will ever have when we focus on Him– we feel time and space spread out into all eternity. I have a body but I am not this body, I have a mind but I am not this mind. I remain in the Eternal Spirit of God, the one sole Reality.

There is a lovely Peace Garden here at the hospital that Carla has taken me to where there is a statue of St. Francis surrounded by living flowers and birdsong. It has been a great strength to me to think on St. Francis, Mother and Swamiji for all the difficulties they went through. It is a secret blessing of suffering that there is a radiance that goes from that one that is attuned to God that helps lifts the worlds burdens.

Know that I hold you in my heart and that in God there is no separation in time nor space, only oneness, only union in God.

20190321 Fierce Grace

Dear All,

This will be a different kind of posting. On Monday Carla and I were out for a hike near Vulture Peak. I was feeling very strong, flying up the hills without strain. On Tuesday we had gone to do errands in Surprise, Arizona and while walking I felt my knees getting weak. When we returned to the motorhome where we were camping, my legs were not very strong, in fact my knees felt like jelly. I tried to make it up the steps but the portable step collapsed and I went down.

When I got into the motorhome, I was not able to sit up straight nor did I have any strength in my left side. I realized something had happened and that we needed to go to the hospital. When we arrived, Carla told them I was having a stroke and they came rushing out. They took me in for a CT scan. They found blood in my frontal lobe. The blood was caused by a mass irritating the brain cells which was causing the stroke. This is called a Hemorrhagic Stroke which is different than what we usually think of when someone is having a stroke.

Even though I was in this state my speech was alright and my sense of humor intact. There was a sign on the wall that said, “If you assault a caregiver, it is a felony”. When Carla wanted something, the nurse had suggested just yell for them, I pointed at the sign and I said, “I read the sign”. She looked a little startled and broke out in gales of laughter! Later she said, “I told everyone what you said. Everyone loves coming into this room and that’s unusual for someone in your situation. You are so calm, there is something very special about you.” She kept on repeating this over and over. She also said “You look so young! You have found the secret to the Fountain of Youth!”

My condition was as such that it was more than this community hospital could handle and the doctor was dithering. I needed an MRI and wanted to go back to the Northwest to my saintly doctor, Dr. S. so our “angel” nurse went in and told the doctor what she needed to do.

I was flown by helicopter to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix. The view of the city lights was magnificent as we came in. I was taken to ICU and have been given CT/MRI scans and a variety of tests. This is a teaching hospital and well known for it’s neurology department, which is the exact kind of care I need. God’s Grace. The doctor this morning was in and said with this type of stroke the initial symptoms are more severe but the long term progress is better. Right now I have no strength in my left arm and limited mobility in my left leg so by necessity we will be down here for the next few months.

This has all been quite a shock since I was feeling so perfectly well beforehand. Right now, the doctors do not know where this came from, it is a mystery to them. The doctor had been worried because the blood flow in the brain had been expanding and as of this morning, it is not.

It will be some months in rehab down here. Jerry and Lois were here yesterday with us and a great support. Larry will fly down on Friday. Obviously, this is going to change some of our future plans. I’m sorry to say we will not be up for Easter nor is it likely we will be at Loon Lake.

Throughout this time I felt such a closeness to Swami Satchidananda and know all he went through due to a stroke. I’m dictating this posting to Carla as typing is difficult. I’ve also felt close to Mother. I know that she went through so much. I remember the time she was giving a talk and she had a stroke right when she was giving the talk. Normally I had my eyes closed as I sat behind her and for some reason I opened my eyes and I saw her weaving back and forth. Somehow God arranged it for me to get up and catch her before she fell. I immediately took her to Billie’s car and she drove her to Northwest Hospital.

The idea for entitling this post, Fierce Grace, came from Richard Alpert, known as Ram Dass, (disciple of the great Neem Karola Baba) wrote a book about his experiences having a stroke. He entitled it “Fierce Grace”.

I’m sorry to have to deliver this difficult news and I know it’s not what you want to hear nor is it what I want to have to write to you. Who can doubt I am following in the footsteps of some of the greatest souls I have had a pleasure to know. Fierce Grace INDEED!

Being active is a consequence of being in a physical body: your heart pumps, thoughts flow, muscles move—everywhere you look creation is an expression of life-energy. Here in the desert there is a surprising amount of life. There are remarkable varieties of cactus, odd looking Kangaroo rats with long back legs, magnificent vultures flying over the peak named after them; these names may not seem appealing, but they are all quite interesting, and amazing to see. One note of caution though, there is a variety of Teddy Bear cactus that may seem like something soft you could hold like a teddy bear; however, do not be deceived, these have vicious spines that have painful microscopic barbs that don’t like to let go once attached!

Throughout all of this magnificent desert vital life-force flows and animates all we see. Mountains, plants, birds are all vibrant and live mostly by nature’s design, leaving little room for independence. When you get into the higher forms of mammals you see more exercise of will and independence, but only with the human being do you see a real development of abstract thought, self-reflection, and an independence of will that can either go seriously astray from original design, or else those life-forces are mastered and transformed into transcendent Consciousness. Sinners and saints are almost exclusively the province of the human species.

During this cycle in the planet’s evolution there are times when we have seen more of the sinner than the saint, but the innate capacity for divinity is ever present in one and all. Some of the most magnificent scripture ever penned comes from St. John and bears this inherent potential out: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. (John 1:1-5)

The mystery is how the Light can shine in the darkness and it is not seen? The Vedas explain the inexplicable by the means of Maya: a veil of delusion that makes creation ignorant of its own Divinity. Maya does not alter the Eternal Substance that is God, but it is a slight of hand that makes the darkness, creation, incapable of comprehending the ever-present Light.

However, there is a built-in failsafe; the Savior is the Light seeded in humanity and is present in everything that is made. So, the thing is to discover that Reality; to accept deeply into your being the light of truth that has always been with you. No individual man could ever match the description of this universal Savior, so the notion that Jesus is the exclusive expression of that Light flies in the face of the fact that that Light is in every person walking the earth. The Light was awakened in our dear savior Jesus, even as it can become awakened in each and every one of us.

This is the good news of the gospel, it is more than good news, but superlatives seem not to touch the essence of this great revelation; God with us and God born in man; God is a Reality that you may know in truth through direct inner experience. In fact, we are all made up of God-stuff; and this remarkable news has yet to be known by an unsuspecting humanity. Emmanuel, God with us, is really that, God with us in every human being!

It is your inborn Light of Dharma that demands you awaken to this greater Reality. You close your eyes, go within and you discover sacred life-force flowing throughout your being; then your divine awareness expands out to the furthest reaches of space. With the inner sight awakened you open your two eyes and you comprehend the same sacred force operating through all of nature, in all of humanity, in every living thing in space. You have awakened to Christ Consciousness, you have ascended and in seeing this you know the Heavenly Father—you realize, you are That.

Surely you see that, do you not? Surely God is awakening this Reality in you–how can He not? I only write what He writes through this form, and His word cannot be stillborn, but must live and find fulfillment in you. This is the reason you are here, and that destiny must be fulfilled in you. Having realized this eternal Truth, when you act you serve. For now you only live to serve the One who is in all. You heart pumps, thoughts flow and muscles move, and it is all an expression of the Light in you in service to the Light in all. You are the fulfillment of the sacred scriptures.

As many of us know, if a computer or one of our electronic gadgets is slowing down or stalling, the easiest and oftentimes most effective way to get things working is to turn the darn thing off, then start it again; it’s called a reboot. Computer problems can stem from software stuck in a loop it can’t get out of, or the hardware interface is malfunctioning—so, restart the computer and voila, more times than not it fixes the problem!

The “software of your mind” can also get stuck in a continuous loop. Thinking, thinking, thinking, always thinking on some topic, some obsession, some object of desire or fear or simply an endless loop of a commercial jingle you heard (if you have ever been on Disneyland’s ride “It’s a Small World, ” then you will have been subjected to this kind of diabolical jingle/abuse programming! Anytime such a tune gets going in my head I sing Ram Nam to the tune to be deprogrammed. It almost always breaks the cyclic nature of the tune, and even if it doesn’t, I am still continuously singing the Name of God).

The body’s hardware can also get stuck in repeating cycles; tense muscles in the neck, jaw, eyes, back—well, anywhere you have muscles they can become tense and remain that way. Your blood pressure gets higher, digestive secretions secrete way too much—so many ways for the body-hardware to malfunction resulting in power drains, bloatware clogging and inflaming the operating systems, and even leading to catastrophic body failures.

A realignment of the body, mind and Spirit can reboot your system that makes for maximized operations. One of the simplest ways for doing this is your bi-daily meditation. You may begin your meditation with your thinking-software wasting mental computing power by looping certain thoughts, and your body-hardware being tense and out of sorts. Now, if you spend your entire meditation time simply stuck in these loops or thinking about what is going wrong in your body or your life, that is not meditation at all, and it will definitely not reboot your system.

To properly reboot your body and mind they must be turned off—you must have a significant shift during your meditation. In Kriya your life-force moves in a circuit through your spine and brain, in Hong-Sau and Ram Nam your mind is focused on the mantra. The result: your breathing is significantly slowed, you feel a release of tension from your body, and you enter into a quiet zone that not only slows your breathing, but your thinking transforms into pure witness awareness—you become the observer of all that is. A deeper breath, an even bigger release of tension and you enjoy surpassingly beautiful peace, the joy of Spirit bubbles up from a deep Source in you and you feel expansive—your system is now being rebooted.

Sometimes a computer problem can be solved with a quick restart, in meditation terms you take a few minutes during the day to reset your body-mind-Spirit system. Other times the computer needs a whole system shut down, then wait for some time for a cold restart—meditationally this means going deeper, soaring higher until you have the solution and freedom you are looking for. Reverend Jill is taking some months in silence now—when God gives you the opportunity and the prompting this can be a wonderfully deep reboot for your entire system.

It is not that simply spending more time in meditation results in progress, but there is something about extended meditations being required for going deeper. With increased time internal operating flaws are met and new downloaded code allows for higher planes of consciousness. It may not always be the fact that something “incredible” occurs, rather it may be a deepening of awareness and a groundedness in Spirit that is being established. During my year of silence and solitude an inner stillness was established in my heart-center that has stayed with me continuously, no matter the outer circumstances. Of course, with stillness there is no fear—there is only perfect trust and reliance upon God alone.

Now, to a computer engineer the circuitry of a mother board may look beautiful. However, that does not compare in the least with the beauty of the lotus-brain streaming with Light, a manifestation of the Divine Mother-board, and with inner-vision you also see the life-force flowing throughout the subtle body system. What elegance of design, with speeds surpassing that of electrons or even light—complete downloads at the rate of perfectly synced thought-transference.

So, whether it is a shorter meditational restart or a deeper complete shutdown, look for the signs that make you know you have had a successful reboot. Then you will maximize your body-mind workstation, wonderfully synchronized with God’s Mainframe Divine Consciousness.

Anniversary of Sri Yukteswarji Mahasamadhi—March 9, 1936.

The Autobiography of a Yogi is an amazingly told story on so many levels, written by such a tremendous soul. Master, a yogi of such great realization did not try pose as “above it all,” rather he gave us a picture of how he suffered the pangs of shock and depression at the passing of his own Master—it created a darkened night for him. He wrote in the Autobiography:

My days were filled with lectures, classes, interviews, and reunions with old friends. Beneath a hollow smile and a life of ceaseless activity, a stream of black brooding polluted the inner river of bliss which for so many years had meandered under the sands of all my perceptions.

In his letters to Rajasi, he expands on the grief that filled him at that time. He wrote this letter on March 17 while he was at Ranchi, just days after his guru’s passing.

In spite of all wisdom and perception, I feel very lonely since our Guruji Swami Sri Yukteswar Giriji left us. Now you know, beloved one, what consolation you have given me, what gratefulness you have won from me and Guruji for being the divine instrument of making it possible for me to come here and pay to him my last respects on earth. I wrote you, “Guruji is planning to give up his body. Perhaps I can stay him.” I had it all planned to go on March 6 to Puri where he was residing, but God didn’t let me lest I pray to keep him here. Instead, I started to go on March 8, and I was prevented. Then I went on March 9 and arrived at Puri March 10 morning, only to see his lifeless body in samadhi posture. According to custom I had to bury his body in the ashram grounds. The body which had reflected omnipresent wisdom lay lifeless before me mocking, “I didn’t let you pray for me.”

On March 9, 7 p.m., our Guruji left his body; and about that time he intimated to me of his departure. Also on the train I saw two tunnels of light and his astral self telling me of his departure. Though since his departure I have been seeing him all of the time, practically, still it is a great, great shock that I won’t ever be able to show you and Mt. Washington devotees Swami Sri Yukteswarji in body. He had told me, “If I live through March (Bengali Chaitra month), I will live longer.” When I had asked him to see an American lady from California, he replied, “I won’t see her now, nor anyone else in this life.” I know there would have been a great battle if I was present at the time of his passing. I wrote a letter to him asking him not to give up his body, but the people through whom I sent it did not read it to him. Guruji was slightly feverish for five days. His fever left in the end; and while his body seemed perfectly well, he left in samadhi.

If there were words, I would write to you how I feel about the material disappearance of Master. Imagine, the Lord God did not want me to pray lest He have to grant my prayer or deny it. The lion has left his cage, the lion whose roar of wisdom kept me undergoing a thousand privations and demands of organization work. If I could weep, I would feel relieved. If I would cry, the gods would cry with me. If I had a thousand mouths, I would say India lost one of the greatest in wisdom.  But the saddest of all is I could not show him you.

We can all relate, at least to some extent, the sense of loss and sadness Master was feeling at the passing of his master. What is amazing, is how open Master is with his feelings, with no pretense that he is undisturbed. He puts a human face on being God-realized. For, even as Mother, he was both fully human and divine.

As much as he had grieved, so did he feel the intensity of joy at his guru’s resurrection. Again from the Autobiography:

Gone was the sorrow of parting. The pity and grief for his death, long robber of my peace, now fled in stark shame. Bliss poured forth like a fountain through endless, newly opened soul-pores. Anciently clogged with disuse, they now widened in purity at the driving flood of ecstasy. Subconscious thoughts and feelings of my past incarnations shed their karmic taints, lustrously renewed by Sri Yukteswar’s divine visit.

When I sat meditating at Puri’s Samadhi Temple during my 1998 pilgrimage, I unexpectedly felt Sri Yukteswar’s joy in torrents. Sri Yukteswarji made me know that his promise to his disciple, recorded in the Autobiography, was not just for Paramhansaji, but for all of us:

“Dearest Master! Rebuke me a million times—do scold me now!”

“I shall chide you no more.” His divine voice was grave, yet with an undercurrent of laughter. “You and I shall smile together, so long as our two forms appear different in the maya-dream of God. Finally we shall merge as one in the Cosmic Beloved; our smiles shall be His smile, our unified song of joy vibrating throughout eternity to be broadcast to God-tuned souls!”

It is good to remember that God-realized souls live human lives, they endure what everyone goes through at one time or another. They do this to show us that our humanness is not a bar to experiencing God. Rather, we may feel that it is God living His life through us, and therefore everything—pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness—comes from the one Source of all that is. God plays through us like a fine instrument, hitting any range of notes of His own choosing—for all is made from the musical streams of Ananda/Bliss.

Sri Yukteswarji, an incarnation of wisdom, is a flawless compass guiding us to the Eternal. Such wisdom can be very strict, crushing our meandering dreams and ruthlessly severing our attachments. This is all done without malice, but with the greatest love and solicitude. In fact, all that this great God-man did was done to bring about a revelation that all creation is an explosion of Ananda-Bliss—and as such, the realization that you are part and parcel made up of sacred Joy. You have both the wisdom of the wise in you, and you are a being of bliss without end. This is what Sri Yukteswarji came to awaken in Master, and in us all.

Here, we have from Dr. Lewis a firsthand account of his experiences with Master days before his leaving the body. Dr. Lewis gave this talk three days after Master’s Mahasamadhi:

Now I’ll tell you one or two things about my own experiences with him the last few days. Lately he has been reminiscing about how we started way back in Boston, 32 years ago. He said, “Remember Electric Avenue?” That’s where we used to live. “All the good times we used to have?” And I said, “Yes.” And he said, “We’ve had a good life, haven’t we?” I said, “That’s right.” I said, “Yes, we might have been hanging around a night club and things like that. But no. This is better. We can let go.” Then he said quickly, without much emphasis, “We’ll be parted for a little while and then we’ll be together again.” But the delusion is so great that even then I wouldn’t accept it. I knew my soul went just right back when he said it. Sure, the Lord keeps it covered up pretty well.

When he said we’d be separated for a little bit but then together again, then he said right at that time, I remember so distinctly, “But remember, I’ll be closer to you when I’m out of this body, than I have been in the body.” So remember, there is the key. So let us not be depressed. Let us not feel bad. God is running the show. We are His children, and His Infinite Light is with us. In that Light is the Master and all great saints. There is nothing to fear except if we do not stay in that Light and Consciousness. That’s all.

And so, I feel better. A load has been lifted. I didn’t know what the load was, with some physical trouble going with it. But the load was that coming events cast their shadow, and the Soul knows it. And so be of good cheer. The Master is not away from us. He is with us more, and more.

Master’s last Evening

Master was scheduled to give a speech welcoming the new Ambassador from India during a banquet at the Biltmore Hotel in Las Angeles. What a fulfillment, an Ambassador from a free India! The freedom movement led by Mahatma Gandhi, whom Master had met and initiated into Kriya Yoga; a freedom movement that came with definite birth pains but was at last a reality—that Master had lived long enough to see it become a reality. The new Ambassador and his wife had come to a luncheon put on by Master, and they all got on famously.

The night of the banquet Master had reserved a room at the Biltmore to rest beforehand. He had been carrying a terrific load in his body, enduring so much pain, heart problems and difficulty in walking. He said that Divine Mother had scheduled that he leave his body well before this time, but he had prayed for more time so he could complete his commentary on the Bhagavad Gita—which he did and pronounced that it was ready to publish.

This is what Dr. Lewis said during that same talk about Master’s physical condition in his last years (remember Master was only in his fifties at the time):

And then, from then on it was a terrific fight. For a long, long time he just laid there. Because you cannot take the karma of thousands of people, thousands of people, without a reaction–that’s the spiritual law. It is not ordinary sickness. People make that mistake. It is because he takes the sins and the karma of others. And he has told me two things which were a direct result of the taking of karma of others. One was the condition of his legs. The other was the condition of his heart.

And so, from then on, for months he laid without moving. Gradually up, and walking about. He said many times, “I have no interest.” He said, “It’s only a few little things I have to make myself want to enjoy the senses,” and so forth. “But,” he said, “for a few of you, I stay.” Now these are facts.

Even though he endured so much suffering in his body, he continued to move the world toward God. So, he attended the banquet and when you see his picture known as “the last smile,” taken that evening you would never guess he was ready to leave the body, he radiates so much light, love and divinity.

Master stood to talk, the room quieted, and he gave a lively, funny and heartfelt talk. He told a favorite story about when he first arrived in America. He had heard about Native Americans scalping white men, and when he saw a number of bald men walking about he thought with horror that the Indians must have been at work! Then, he concluded his talk with a recitation of his poem, “My India:”

Hail, mother of religions, lotus, scenic beauty,
And sages!
Thy wide doors are open,
Welcoming God’s true sons through all ages.
Where Ganges, woods, Himalayan caves, and men dream God –
I am hallowed; my body touched that sod.

Ah, as Master concluded this poem he felt himself leaving the body. He turned to his right, the traditional way for a yogi’s mahasamadhi is to rotate to the right three times. But, as usual Master was in a rush when it came to God, and he only started his first turn when he dropped his body—flying to his eternal freedom in God, flying to the feet of his dearest Guru, flying into the spiritual arms of his Infinite Beloved.

Master was not “taken away,” rather he is now permeating every particle of space, in every flower’s fragrance and the golden sunset. Even closer, he is in your heart and can be heard in your soul’s whispers. Master is ever with the attuned soul, ever waiting for you to follow him into your eternal oneness with your Heavenly Father and Divine Mother.

My years as a mediator, both volunteering as a mediator and a trainer for the first Dispute Resolution Center in Washington State and as a founding principal in Conflict Resolution Service was a time of extremely rich experiences and learning. A mediator is a bit like a firefighter—running into a flaming building that everyone else is running away from!

Becoming a mediator was a big journey for me, as beforehand I tended to be a conflict avoider. So, the idea of changing directions and heading for the fire was  contrary to everything I knew up until that time. However, with new tools in hand mediation gave me an opportunity to learn a number of lessons about conflict and human nature. Here are some things I learned along the way.

First Lesson: The power of “I’m sorry.” Something as fundamental as what your mother taught you does wonders in a conflict—a simple and sincere apology, “I am sorry.”  During discussions that involved thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, the fate of careers and the happiness of whole neighborhoods, a sincere apology worked wonders to resolve conflicts—negotiations most often went smoothly after a climactic apology.

Lesson Two: What is being fought over is rarely what is really at issue. People argue over money or children, all sorts of things. But, what is usually driving the demands people make when taking a hard position is something that is not being said: disappointment, identity, safety, or values. Attachment to an expectation is a very powerful thing; “I thought you were going to ….”. The hurt and anger over disappointment definitely fuels the feud. The key, go behind the scenes to discover, “Why is this thing you are asking for so important to you?” Find that out, and then you can talk about how to address the underlying interest instead of arguing over intractable positions.

Lesson three: Conflicts are costly. When people take hard positions and make demands it is good to explore, “What is the “cost” for this ongoing conflict?” We can be myopic when hurt or angry and take a stubborn position that ends up hurting us more by prolonging a conflict. Doing a quick calculation, what is the cost in terms of money, resources, lost time, emotional energy and pain, legal consequences, diminished opportunities or hurting others? The cost can be varied and enormous, but we are too invested in keeping angry vengeance or fearful avoidance to take time to add up the cost. Oftentimes laying out the cost in front of us helps us to understand it is in our best interest to work for a solution.

Lesson 4: The benefits of civility. One of the responsibilities of a mediator is to keep the discussion between disputants civil and productive. Truth need not be a casualty of being respectful—in fact it is far more likely what one side is saying will be heard by the other party when spoken with respect. Ungoverned anger, both in words and actions, can immediately derail progress for finding a solution. Then there are people who use anger as a way to intimidate and win. Neither uncontrolled anger or being a bully will work to find a long term, satisfying resolution. Speaking the truth with respect is the quickest way to be heard by another, and to resolve a conflict.

Lesson 5: Emotions balloon up and make problems bigger. Emotions can balloon up—anger, hurt and resentment can take on huge proportions, especially when something has festered for a long time. The “emotional balloon” needs to deflate to a reasonable size in order for it not to carry things away to unknown, uncertain and worse places than where you started. Taking time to get some perspective, talking it out with a confidential friend, or working it out of the body through exercise are all ways to decrease the emotional balloon. Then we can talk calmly about what is most important to us to the one with whom we are having differences.

Lesson 6: Avoidance makes conflict worse. My good friend and mediator Paul says, “Go to the heat.” The heat is what most people avoid, but that is where the life-energy is. Many have been burned by heat, so we tend to avoid it. However, learning to use the heat to find truth and unlock its life-energy for productive uses will create new associations in your mind about what can happen through conflict resolution. Now, you can be excited to unlock new and positive possibilities when all that life-energy is directed to create something that will be good for everyone. It is fine to take some time to deflate your emotional balloon, that is a very useful thing to do. But, do not let the opportunity slip away for working through a knotty problem. When you and the other party are ready, then use your skills and go to the heat!

Lesson 7: Good faith is a must—”It takes two to dance.” In any conflict there will be at least two parties involved. For a voluntary resolution, whoever is involved needs to be there in good faith. That does not mean they know something positive is going to happen in advance, but that they sincerely want resolution to the conflict. One of the few failed mediations I conducted was a landlord-tenant conflict. The tenant was behind in rent; the landlord was willing to be flexible, but felt things had gone on too long. In a caucus, a confidential meeting, the tenant told me the only reason she agreed to a mediation was to buy more time for staying in her apartment; she had no intention of paying her rent. I could not tell the landlord what she had said, but I called an immediate end to the mediation due to the fact that not all the parties were there in good faith. Sincerity is required to find common ground that will create a solution that works for everyone.

Lessons in being proactive. You can work to keep differences from growing into an oversized conflict by proactively practicing the above principles. When you realize you have made a mistake, make a sincere apology. Work to understand what is really going on under the surface when you or someone else is upset or makes demands; then speak to that underlying issue. Also, recognize the cost of conflict, it absolutely takes a toll. Keeping the cost in mind will motivate you to address the problem and work it out. And, for goodness sake, be civil, it is one of life’s great inventions—being respectful can often stop a conflict before it starts. Then, before you address a conflict be sure you have let the some of the air out of your stretched emotional balloon before you say or do something that destroys the fabric of your relationship with another. When there is a conflict, work to resolve it, don’t avoid it; taking time to cool down is good, but do not let the topic go cold. And, at all times, be sincere in your dealings with others—good faith is required to find good solutions.

These are lessons I have learned about conflict through helping hundreds of people resolve some very tough, seemingly intractable problems. These lessons have been so valuable for me. Resolve to be a peacemaker in your life, and help this world to be a better place for yourself and others.

“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matt 5:9)