My years as a mediator, both volunteering as a mediator and a trainer for the first Dispute Resolution Center in Washington State and as a founding principal in Conflict Resolution Service was a time of extremely rich experiences and learning. A mediator is a bit like a firefighter—running into a flaming building that everyone else is running away from!
Becoming a mediator was a big journey for me, as beforehand I tended to be a conflict avoider. So, the idea of changing directions and heading for the fire was contrary to everything I knew up until that time. However, with new tools in hand mediation gave me an opportunity to learn a number of lessons about conflict and human nature. Here are some things I learned along the way.
First Lesson: The power of “I’m sorry.” Something as fundamental as what your mother taught you does wonders in a conflict—a simple and sincere apology, “I am sorry.” During discussions that involved thousands or tens of thousands of dollars, the fate of careers and the happiness of whole neighborhoods, a sincere apology worked wonders to resolve conflicts—negotiations most often went smoothly after a climactic apology.
Lesson Two: What is being fought over is rarely what is really at issue. People argue over money or children, all sorts of things. But, what is usually driving the demands people make when taking a hard position is something that is not being said: disappointment, identity, safety, or values. Attachment to an expectation is a very powerful thing; “I thought you were going to ….”. The hurt and anger over disappointment definitely fuels the feud. The key, go behind the scenes to discover, “Why is this thing you are asking for so important to you?” Find that out, and then you can talk about how to address the underlying interest instead of arguing over intractable positions.
Lesson three: Conflicts are costly. When people take hard positions and make demands it is good to explore, “What is the “cost” for this ongoing conflict?” We can be myopic when hurt or angry and take a stubborn position that ends up hurting us more by prolonging a conflict. Doing a quick calculation, what is the cost in terms of money, resources, lost time, emotional energy and pain, legal consequences, diminished opportunities or hurting others? The cost can be varied and enormous, but we are too invested in keeping angry vengeance or fearful avoidance to take time to add up the cost. Oftentimes laying out the cost in front of us helps us to understand it is in our best interest to work for a solution.
Lesson 4: The benefits of civility. One of the responsibilities of a mediator is to keep the discussion between disputants civil and productive. Truth need not be a casualty of being respectful—in fact it is far more likely what one side is saying will be heard by the other party when spoken with respect. Ungoverned anger, both in words and actions, can immediately derail progress for finding a solution. Then there are people who use anger as a way to intimidate and win. Neither uncontrolled anger or being a bully will work to find a long term, satisfying resolution. Speaking the truth with respect is the quickest way to be heard by another, and to resolve a conflict.
Lesson 5: Emotions balloon up and make problems bigger. Emotions can balloon up—anger, hurt and resentment can take on huge proportions, especially when something has festered for a long time. The “emotional balloon” needs to deflate to a reasonable size in order for it not to carry things away to unknown, uncertain and worse places than where you started. Taking time to get some perspective, talking it out with a confidential friend, or working it out of the body through exercise are all ways to decrease the emotional balloon. Then we can talk calmly about what is most important to us to the one with whom we are having differences.
Lesson 6: Avoidance makes conflict worse. My good friend and mediator Paul says, “Go to the heat.” The heat is what most people avoid, but that is where the life-energy is. Many have been burned by heat, so we tend to avoid it. However, learning to use the heat to find truth and unlock its life-energy for productive uses will create new associations in your mind about what can happen through conflict resolution. Now, you can be excited to unlock new and positive possibilities when all that life-energy is directed to create something that will be good for everyone. It is fine to take some time to deflate your emotional balloon, that is a very useful thing to do. But, do not let the opportunity slip away for working through a knotty problem. When you and the other party are ready, then use your skills and go to the heat!
Lesson 7: Good faith is a must—”It takes two to dance.” In any conflict there will be at least two parties involved. For a voluntary resolution, whoever is involved needs to be there in good faith. That does not mean they know something positive is going to happen in advance, but that they sincerely want resolution to the conflict. One of the few failed mediations I conducted was a landlord-tenant conflict. The tenant was behind in rent; the landlord was willing to be flexible, but felt things had gone on too long. In a caucus, a confidential meeting, the tenant told me the only reason she agreed to a mediation was to buy more time for staying in her apartment; she had no intention of paying her rent. I could not tell the landlord what she had said, but I called an immediate end to the mediation due to the fact that not all the parties were there in good faith. Sincerity is required to find common ground that will create a solution that works for everyone.
Lessons in being proactive. You can work to keep differences from growing into an oversized conflict by proactively practicing the above principles. When you realize you have made a mistake, make a sincere apology. Work to understand what is really going on under the surface when you or someone else is upset or makes demands; then speak to that underlying issue. Also, recognize the cost of conflict, it absolutely takes a toll. Keeping the cost in mind will motivate you to address the problem and work it out. And, for goodness sake, be civil, it is one of life’s great inventions—being respectful can often stop a conflict before it starts. Then, before you address a conflict be sure you have let the some of the air out of your stretched emotional balloon before you say or do something that destroys the fabric of your relationship with another. When there is a conflict, work to resolve it, don’t avoid it; taking time to cool down is good, but do not let the topic go cold. And, at all times, be sincere in your dealings with others—good faith is required to find good solutions.
These are lessons I have learned about conflict through helping hundreds of people resolve some very tough, seemingly intractable problems. These lessons have been so valuable for me. Resolve to be a peacemaker in your life, and help this world to be a better place for yourself and others.
“Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matt 5:9)