Marriage is one of the great foundational structures in society that serves many purposes. Marriage fulfills our desire for a loving partnership between husband and wife, it provides a nurturing home for children, it has both shared and divided tasks by husband and wife and extended family that makes life easier and brings balance, it is a way to build prosperity and endure adversity when it comes. So many benefits that come with a working marriage.
However, all this must be tempered with the reality of a life lived together. As a mediator I worked with many couples, most were in trouble. We have all grown up with the children’s stories that end with, “And then they lived happily ever after.” And so ends the fairy tale after strife, struggle and overcoming great odds for the two to come together. If this is part of the anticipation in marriage, that coming together as man and wife is the end of difficulties and a vague “happily ever after” vision, then there will be great disappointment on the horizon.
It is oftentimes assumed that a married couple, once they have confirmed their vows should know how to be married. However, what experience shows is that marriage holds all the pleasure and all the pain that all life brings to us. Knowing how to maintain intimacy, handle financial challenges, stresses of work, raising children, keeping home and cars and all the business of life requires a great learning curve. Marriage unfolds as we grow older, and rarely is it everything one or both in a couple thinks it will be. For some it seems a betrayal that differences come into play, that there is anxiousness around money, intimacy, children, remaining monogamous and more-it all seems to separate husband and wife, not support them.
One of the themes that I see repeated in struggling marriages is being able to hold respect for one another. It is easy to vent stress upon a partner, the one closest to you. Having travelled to campgrounds with RVs, it is interesting to observe couples managing backing a trailer or motorhome into a campsite. For many, it is not a familiar or comfortable situation, and communication can quickly devolve into anger and blame when it is not going well. For some raising a voice and finding fault comes as a matter of habit. I have thought that if some were to be videotaped during such interractions–one or both would be embarrassed as to how they sound, tone of voice, words used like weapons, meant to hurt and do damage.
Finding a place of respect for one another is one of the great secrets in a successful marriage. I love to hear one partner speaking in praise of another when the other in not in the room. To be over familiar, discounting, constantly blaming poisons the atmosphere. Master once told the story of when he went back to India. One of his cousins had married a woman that Master’s family had tried to arrange for him. She treated her husband terribly, verbally abusing him while in his presence and when he was not in the room. Master took her aside and said that since they had once been intended for each other he felt he could tell her that the way she treated her husband was not correct. That if she wanted happiness, she must change.
What is perhaps the strongest bond in a marriage and represents the greatest potential is the spiritual bond that goes beyond personality, situation, or worldly pressures. One key is a mutual understanding that God has brought you together, faith that you are meant to be a couple, and by remaining spiritually aligned God can work out the kinks and make things even better between you; that your attunement with God brings out more love, tolerance, patience, and being able to see the divinity in one another (what greater intimacy is there than that!). When a couple seeks to serve God in one another there are no limits to the fulfillment that can come about as a result.
Marriage cannot be a simple “Happily ever after,” but that does not mean it cannot be the most meaningful and loving relationship you can have on a human basis. It is the working out of life that can either draw you closer together to solve the many problems faced, or it can tear you apart. To be connected to God within, letting Him guide you, awaken love in you, give you the courage to open yourself fully in the presence of another is the greatest ally you have in bringing out the best in a marriage. In the end, marriage is your practice ground for your oneness with the Infinite Beloved, and being one with Him in all of what life brings to your doorstep, “For better, for worse, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, in prosperity and in adversity.” Amen!