It is a mysterious life God has given me. Mysterious in the sense of being inscrutable, unpredictable, full of power and glory that is beyond description, and dependent upon a Divine Will that puts some things in the scrap heap, and then suddenly propels other things forward without hesitation.
Mother tells a wonderful story of the time there was a disciple of Papa’s who wanted to go with him when God directed Ramdas to go somewhere. The disciple had heard and read Papa’s accounts of his travels and was probably thinking they would be on some marvelous adventure. Well, one day Papa said that Ram was directing Ramdas to walk across a field—so the disciple joined Papa in high anticipation. When Papa got half way across the field he simply turned around and started to walk back to the Ashram. The stunned disciple asked what they were doing, why had they turned around? Papa said that Ram had suddenly directed him to turn around, so he did. Such was Papa’s total surrender to God.
And so, I find it to be so in my life. As I look back, it has been a life of discipleship now for many years. Decades of powerful forces that Mother unleashed in this form, many years of His power and glory intermingling their influences into my life—governing and shepherding and gradually transforming the body, mind and soul into a living manifestation of His Light.
It has been years of testing, as oppositional forces of desire nature, fear and obstinance fought for control of this form. Though I made uncountable mistakes, somehow God and Guru never let go of me, though I let go of them. Due to this grace I learned, changed and became something new, yet it is a state of consciousness that is deeply familiar—as if it has always been true, always been me. My old life is now seen as something long ago; it is as if I have lived many lives in this one lifespan, some of them almost unrecognizable as being me.
Yesterday God kept me wrapped in His power, I barely moved more than a few feet all through the day. Incredible forces move through this form of such magnitude that if they had come in this strength years ago it would have completely overwhelmed this system. There is no doubt that it is the Divine One controlling it all, and a few times I needed to remind Him that the elephant in the hut need only move a little and the whole hut will collapse! As it is, the hut shudders from these inner fountains of light and glory.
He lets me do one thing, and not another. It reminds me of the saying from Exodus speaking of focusing the mind on things other than the Divine Presence, “Though shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God.” [Exodus 20:5] Of course this does not mean that God is jealous as in a human kind of jealousy—rather, it is a matter of inner attunement. The world may want one thing from you, but God is going in a different direction. On a human level you may think that you should be doing one thing, going across the field and beyond, and God wants another, for you to turn around after going half-way. To be fully attuned to God you must be willing to go against this world, even go against what you humanly think are your obligations.
There was a Methodist minister/missionary who was staying at Anandashram when Mother was there. He was inspired by Papa and very intensely wanted his God-realization. As Mother said, “One evening—I must tell you an interesting story about this—he decided that he would go to an old temple ruin up on top of Snake Hill. And he was going to stay there and meditate until he got God-realization, because he had been filled with bliss as he sat at the feet of the Swami. And so without telling anyone but me, and night came and they couldn’t find him anyplace. So Papa started worrying about him and he sent some of the boys out to see if they could find him. And they searched everywhere and they couldn’t find him and Papa became quite concerned. And he said to me, “Do you know where he is?” I said, “Yes, I do, Papa, but he asked me not to tell.” And he said, “Is he at the ruin at the top of the hill?” And I said, “Well, it could be.” So finally he sent the boys up there but Paul didn’t want to come down, he was going to stay. And they went back two or three times, finally he condescended to come down. And he said, “I only came because Papa, being my guru, sent for me.” And Papa made the statement that, “Sometimes the Guru tells you something outwardly to test you, but inside, he is hoping that you will make the other decision.”
What Mother calls “Snake Hill” is probably Manjapati, the hill behind Anandashram. There were many nights I made my way up the hill to meditate under the full moon. I was warned a few times not to do so, due to the fact there were venomous snakes living on the hill. One day at the Ashram a small snake was discovered that caused a lot of excitement; it was only about six inches long and it is one of the most venomous snakes in the world! I saw how easy it would be to stumble across one of these going up the hill, especially in the dark. Even though I was told not to venture up the hill in the dark, I felt it was Papa directing me climb up with the moon as my torch. If it was his will that I should die in doing so, then so be it (what better way to go than following God’s will!).
And surely, this is true for all life—to be in His all-powerful grip and acting according to His will is to live as God truly meant for His disciples to live. So, there are emails I have read but not responded to, there are projects needing attention but left to languish in the moment, there are friends and loved ones (that if I were responding my own human desires) I would make sure I called or wrote, but that too goes unattended. I leave all in His hands, I have the freedom to be imprisoned in His will, and there is nothing I would rather do, nowhere else I would rather be.
In this moment, I am looking out on desert hills and desert expanse, and it is here He wants me, and it is here that I am to fulfill His will. I am steeped in His Presence, His power, glory, bliss, and the Light of His Being. Oh, what a mysterious life He has given me.